Well, I've made it around to the last part of my blog title, the panic. I had my semi-monthly panic attack last night. Not so much a panic attack actually, more of just a massive sobbing break down. What frustrates me the most about these episodes is that I'm smart enough to understand that I am being a completely moronic, but I just can't help it. I know it's totally silly, but I just get so overwhelmed by life at times. My job is insane and sucks. I mean, I love parts of it. I really do love to teach, but I hate the grading, the administrative work, the therapy and counseling of parents, the district nonsense... it's just exhausting. I feel like I can't keep my house together. I mean, I know that I don't need to be June Cleaver, and I don't want to be, but I would like to have a semi-clean house: finished laundry, clean bathroom... all of those wonderful things. i just never feel like I have enough time to do anything. I haven't written in weeks. I haven't read much lately. I've been applying for tons of jobs and haven't heard anything back at all. I just start to get really down on myself for not knowing what the hell it is that I'm going with myself and not being able to deal with all of the pressures of life. Then I just feel lame too because there are so many other people with such worse lives. I have relatively decent health, a great husband, a semi-normal* family, a job, a house, a car and four adorable fish**. I have such a dichotomy in my life. I suppose that what I really need it to focus on the good in my life. I just find it extremely hard sometimes. Well... enough with my twenty-something rant for now. I do feel however that the quarter-life*** crisis is alive and well within me. Someday I might have my life more figured out.
As a side note... more conferences today. They again went pretty well. I think I should maybe be a Middle-East peace negotiator. I am master of customer service. People don't often think about this, but teachers have to be excellent customer service reps. I mean, how to you delicately tell a parent that their child is a moron, or is a superb pain in the ass? I really am an excellent customer service rep. I can turn the charm and charisma on like nobody's business.
I also had my writing class tonight. My profess again gave me great remarks on my interview from last week. It gives me a little bit of confidence. I might actually be a good writer. I may not just be telling myself that I'm good. We'll see. I will need to finish a manuscript and work on gettin git published at some point in the near future, but I have a bit more faith in my idea of being a writer now. You never know, I may get brave enough to post some of my writing up here. We'll have to see.
I will try to post pictures of my knitting tomorrow. I have the day off from school! Yay! I'm so excited to sleep in. That is my current plan to help decrease the panic in my life. More sleep and more exercise... we shall see how that plan goes. I'm trying to stay positive about it. Eight hours of sleep and at least a half an hour of working out every day. I can do it!****
*well as normal as families get
** I know... I'd like to get furrier pets, but I have to admit our fish are so excited when I come home, and they don't shed.
*** Stupid NBC stole my idea for a show, which, the bit of it that I watched, looked pretty lame
**** :-/ Hopefully....